“I’ve been alone with you inside my mind. And in my dreams, I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times. I sometimes see you pass outside my door.”
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?
It’s strange and beautiful; how the first few lines of Lionel Richie’s song so appropriately reflect the intimate, intrusive and painful relationship we can have with grief; an emotion and experience that we dance with for a lifetime.
It's not just about death or dying…
Perhaps the most recognisable presence of grief is the experience we have after the loss of a loved one. But grief shows up under many circumstances, such as the loss of a relationship, the loss of a job, broken dreams and sometimes, we grieve a person who is very much alive and still part of our lives, too. When we really think about it, grief is an integral part of life – it just hits us all very differently as grief occurs and unfolds in a multitude of ways.
Accepting Grief as an integral part of life…
The longer we live, the more likely we are to experience love and loss. It is bittersweet that, ultimately, the depth of our grief is equal to the depths of our love. As we process grief, we understand that any loss, no matter how long it has been, is painful. And even though science and psychology have identified widely accepted frameworks or stages of grief, these are merely guides. They are not accurate representations of one’s internal or external struggles while coping with or navigating loss. Grief is not just an intellectual experience. It asks – it demands – to be felt.
15 things about grief we can acknowledge…
1. Grief shows up on its own terms. It does not discriminate. It’s unpredictable.
2. Contrary to what some may say, time does not heal all wounds.
3. Grieving the loss of a loved one is bittersweet proof they are – and will always be, loved.
4. We may never get over our loss. But we can certainly find new ways to live with it.
5. Grief demands our attention and a great part of moving through grief is to feel it.
6. We grieve differently. There isn’t a fixed, linear process for grief. It can be messy, complex and we may go back and forth through the stages of grief at any point in time.
7. Our beliefs about grief can shape the ways we experience and process it.
8. Grief comes with an array of emotions. It isn’t just about feeling sad. And that’s okay.
9. Sometimes, grief will not make any sense at all and sometimes, there are no answers.
10. Self-care and compassion are very important in the grieving process.
11. We can have good and bad days while grieving.
12. We don’t have to accept the beliefs of others as our own.
13. Grief is not only expressed through tears. It can also show up as apathy and despondence. It shows up in unique ways.
14. We all move through grief at our own pace. There is no fixed timeline for it.
15. We can fear grief. Falling apart can be scary, especially when we feel alone.
16. Nobody has all the answers, about anything, ever. Nobody ever will.
17. Our experience with grief can change; its depth and triggers are fluid.
18. People in our lives cannot fully comprehend every one of thoughts or feelings. But they can choose to support and respect them.
Remembering self-care and compassion
When navigating through loss, our self-care routines or life in general can easily descend into chaos. Often, the admin work that ensues can deplete our finite time, mental, emotional and physical capacity, and energetic reserves. We can easily forget our most basic yet fundamental needs. These include the need to rest and to consume proper nutrition to function at optimal levels. Hygiene is also a necessity, as-is, physical activity or exercise. We also need financial security – this could mean holding a steady job or ensuring we have enough to live on while we dance with grief.
So, where can we compromise when it comes to self-care? To answer this, we can examine how we spend our time. Then, make conscious decisions to adjust our habits, even if temporary. An example could be preparing simple meals rather than more elaborate ones. Or rather than doing heavy weights at the gym, we can opt for short walks instead. Asking for help and support, if available, can also be an option. Changes in our self-care routines is necessary so we can sustain this. Grief makes us feel tired. Choosing simplicity in daily activities can preserve our energy for much needed healing.
How do we embrace the unpredictability of grief?
How do we begin? An easy, first step is to accept there will be good days and there will be bad ones, too. A more profound answer lies in identifying our personal truths and beliefs about grief. Then, making the conscious decision to either accept or acknowledge them.
When we are at odds with grief, we create more tension within ourselves. By acknowledging grief and its many faces, we can begin to embrace its unpredictability so we neither resist nor suppress it. We can then allow grief to come and go. We can allow ourselves to cry and fall apart when we need to. We can allow ourselves to feel. And, we can pick ourselves up and move forward in life, with hopefully more wisdom and grace.
Knowing when to seek professional help
It’s important to surround ourselves with reliable and supportive relationships as we grieve. Upheaval and disruption are expected, however, when our behaviors and coping mechanisms cause us to self-destruct or deteriorate, we must seek professional help. Some red flags to pay attention to include: chronic lack of sleep, lack of appetite, isolation or the use of harmful substances (i.e. when the odd glass of wine or painkillers become a mainstay). These require attention and intervention. Seeing your doctor or speaking to a therapist can be very healing.
A condensed perspective on embracing grief…
Embracing grief is not an invitation to be completely engulfed or defeated by it. And, embracing grief does not imply that what happened to us is acceptable. It doesn’t make our pain go away, either. The act of embracing this discomfort simply means we have enough compassion for ourselves that we do not fight it; that, we do not add more (pain) to our grief by creating unnecessary conflict with ourselves. So, this is the invitation: Can we allow grief to be present, without judgment and with compassion, so we offer ourselves safe space to heal?
