What is wrong with me?
A powerful four-word question, the byproduct of our loud inner critic and curiosity enmeshed with pain and frustration. As we age, we accumulate life experience – a blessing worthy of gratitude because not everyone gets to grow older. Yet, the human condition causes us to focus on negative life experiences and question them, thoughtfully or critically – sometimes a little too harshly. Where does our behavior come from? Why are we the way we are? The ability to reflect and ask ourselves difficult questions is worth recognizing because it is an important catalyst for discovery and change, a journey that can be inspiring and empowering, if we choose it.
Tracing the formation of our sense of being...
Many of us remember the recent past that shaped our thoughts, emotions or who we are. And that’s fair enough. How many can remember what we ate for lunch yesterday? Not many. So, remembering childhood experiences can be difficult for many reasons. One explanation can be as simple as time being too far gone. Another emotionally triggering explanation is that we have a hard time remembering due to trauma. Whatever the reason, it is safe to assume that something or someone shaped who we are, whether we have consciously chosen our values, behavioral traits, thoughts, emotional responses – our whole selves as we are today.
Should we revisit childhood experiences to heal?
Must we revisit our childhood or our traumatic experiences to change parts of who we are? The answer is no. If reliving the past is more harmful, another way to change (our behaviour) is to focus on specific beliefs we wish to change, such as the belief that we are not worthy of love, or the belief that we are not capable of success, and, perhaps why we have them in the first place. The healing of our adult selves is about finding or learning safety, being in our bodies, as we are today. For some, this process includes the exploration of our pains and the unmet needs we experienced as children. We all take different paths to heal.
Using structure for safe self-exploration...
If we choose to safely explore our childhood wounds and how our upbringing shaped who we are, we can use structure to focus our thinking, so we don’t end up deep, down the rabbit hole, spiraling and marinating in unpleasantness.
We can start with an overarching, open-ended self-exploration question: “What was my childhood like and what did I learn from it?” We can then break this down into core areas of life that include self-beliefs, relationships, self-care, emotional intelligence, success, financial management and more. For additional guardrails, we can also focus our intention by asking: "What do I want to get out of this exploration?"
Here are six questions we can start with, to guide our reflections:
1. What were the positive and negative feedback I receive as a child?
2. What were my family relationships like? Were they loving and kind?
3. How did my caregivers practice self-care? Was “doing nothing” seen as being lazy?
4. How were emotionally charged situations handled? Did we allow space, or did we dismiss unpleasant emotions? Were happiness and understanding important?
5. What was I taught about success? Is this measured by academic achievements or wealth?
6. How did my caregivers manage their finances? What was their relationship with money like?
These are some thought-provoking questions that can stir up memories and emotions. Self-compassion a crucial part of this journey as we unravel our past. We must be kind to ourselves, acknowledge our pain, and give ourselves time and space to heal. We do not have to be alone in this process, and our feelings are valid. We are in the driver’s seat of this experience and can take pause when we need to or want to.
Balancing the Power of Accountability...
As children, we understand the world and learn to discern right and wrong through our caregivers. We rely on the adults around us to make sense of it. They are accountable for our childhood beliefs and many of our childhood experiences. Where dysfunction is present, adults may unfortunately blame children for their shortcomings, shifting accountability. An example of this is when adults have violent or emotional outbursts and blame the children for them.
As we explore and attempt to understand ourselves and the adults who raised us, we can begin to allow multiple truths to co-exist. Some examples could be:
1. The adults who raised us meant well even though they failed us in certain ways.
2. We naturally acted up (to dysfunction) as children even though it was deemed bad behavior.
3. The adults hurt us because they were wounded people, too.
We must keep in mind, we can choose to heal and that we are accountable for ourselves today. While it may be true that the adults who raised us have shortcomings and caused pain, blaming them will neither change our future or the consequences of our unhealthy behaviors and habits. Moreover, accountability can empower us to change but too much of it can cause us to absorb more than we should. It’s a delicate balance.
Ultimately, one perspective we can take is that we can change our thoughts, behaviors, actions and reactions. We can choose how we respond to people or situations, but we cannot make other people take accountability or change who they are even though they have hurt us.
Honoring our emotions and our inner child...
When we revisit our younger selves, we will encounter memories of unmet needs, invalidation and other unpleasant situations. As children, we may have suppressed our emotions for various reasons. Maybe it wasn’t safe. Maybe we were scolded for expressing much needed human emotions, too. How many have been told: “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Underneath the crying, there could have been intense feelings of fear, anger and sadness. But as children, we may not have had the understanding or the words to name them. Once we can safely look at these situations, we can reframe them with love, care and understanding – everything we were deprived of at the time, without judgment or blame. We can ask our adult selves: What would we say to comfort that child? The answers often touch our core wounds and validating them with kindness can bring profound healing. And through this process, we experience the power of healing our inner child.
Rebuilding our sense of self...
For as long as we are here on Earth, we have opportunities to reinvent ourselves, if we choose to. Rebuilding our sense of self requires that we look deeply, honestly, without judgment, into our values, beliefs, behaviors, thoughts and emotions and how we show up in the world as a result. We can separate our core values from those we have been taught as children and we can decide to keep them or lose them. Above all, we must learn to accept all the parts that make us whole – the good, the bad, the hurt – everything. This can help build a stronger, more confident version of ourselves. It’s a humbling and empowering experience once we can finally embrace all we are.
Leaning in to receive support...
Healing our inner child will require emotional or moral support as we unpack and make sense of our life experiences. Speaking to trusted and supportive loved ones can offer much needed comfort as you go through the process. However, when violence and abuse was or is present, we strongly recommend seeing licensed professionals to for help and safety reasons. As children, we can be rendered powerless at the hands of our caregivers. But as adults, we can choose to advocate for ourselves. There is strength in choosing to heal and healing is well worth it.
Image credit: Kha Ruxury
